Don't make ringtones out of songs you like...

...unless you really like getting phones calls, that is. I don't. Whenever my cell phone rings, it sets off that part of my brain that really wants to punch someone in the face. Or scream. Or both, perhaps. You know, the kind of feeling where your hands clench into tight fists and you mutter something like "goddamnsonofabitchmotherfucker" through likewise clenched teeth.

Having a cell phone and being geekily inclined is sometimes a bad thing. Such was the case a few years ago when I discovered that I could hack into my Motorola Razr that had been seriously crippled by the fine folks at Verizon and add my own ringtones instead of buying them from Verizon, the reason for said crippling. I successfully gained access to my phone's tasty innards. I just had to decide what I was going to make into a ringtone. I picked "Tom Sawyer," by Rush.

Now, "Tom Sawyer" is one of my favorite songs. It holds a special place in my heart as it was the first song my high school band learned under the (false) assumption that if we could learn that song, we could learn anything. It's one of only a handful of songs I haven't forgotten since then and I can still play it from start to finish. What I'm trying to say is, I like the song.

I cropped out the first 30 seconds of the song (my first introduction to Audacity) and uploaded it to my phone. After a reboot, I switched my default ringtone to my new creation and sat back, extremely pleased with myself. I even called myself, just to hear it. Friends and coworkers gave me props on my excellent ringtone choice. I was in phone hacking heaven.

Then something started happening. Every time my phone rang, I noticed a slight buzzing sensation flow through my body. I became more tense. My blood pressure (presumably) rose. Why is this? Because I hate when the phone rings. It makes my blood boil. Unfortunately, in the great Pavlovian tradition, this same sensation started happening to me not when I got a call, but when I listened to "Tom Sawyer." Like a salivating dog who just heard the bell, I tensed up every time I heard the opening E chord. Even thinking about it now as I'm writing this brings back that feeling, if only slightly. The tone had to go. I couldn't bear to have one of my favorite songs ruined for eternity.

But did I learn? Hell no. A few months ago, armed with a new phone, I had the idea to make another ringtone, apparently suffering from some kind of temporary selective amnesia. This time, the victim was "The Truth Will Set You Free" from the Flower Kings, another favorite. I also wanted to show off my increased Audacity skizz-ills and instead of cropping off the first 30 seconds, which is so easy a trained monkey could do it, I took a specific 30-second clip from the middle of the track. Talk about feeling pleased with myself.

As before, though, the same Pavlovian response started happening whenever I heard that song. So that ringtone, too, had to go. I'm thinking of this now because I'm currently listening to that song for the first time since I switched my ringtone back to something normal, and I'm hoping that, when said 30-second segment plays through my headphones, it...

Goddamnsonofabitchmotherfucker...

Oh well. Guess it was too soon.